Brazil - 2004  (211-14) (by MacClure)

If I tell you to examine yourself, do it. Because as much as my finger points the other way I acknowledge my part. But the irony in this reverse psychology generation, is people genuinely 100% believe that someone pointing something out in us inherently means they’re jealous or inferior.

What introspection.. We’ve come this far to become this self-assured and this stagnant, that we are so narcissistic to think criticism inherently means someone else is jealous. We do not take anything into consideration other than the fact we do not like to feel bad about ourselves. So we immediately shrug off outside observations and call them projections… Which, isn’t THAT what projecting is?

I rant because I’ve come to a major major fork in the road with genuinely not giving a fuck what anyone in my life says, mainly because it isn’t genuine. There is always an awareness I have to cater to people’s egos. I have to water and dumb down what I see happening to protect and shelter them from themselves.

"Oh, but Jackson, what about you?" There isn’t a single criticism that could be hurled at me that I’ve not already considered. If I had a therapist they would tell me my self criticism is bordering OCD because I’m obsessed with the ownership of my faults to the point of self-destruction, but my hyper awareness that my faults are all that most want to see forces me to disassociate. It forces me to become the cynics and give back what I intuitively know is lurking in their pseudo warmth and every-6-month "hellos".

I have had moments with people throughout the years that are memorable (?) at best but the fact I can close my eyes at night and not know these peoples loyalties if push came to shove is a problem. It’s a problem because it doesn’t seem to be a problem at all to them, that they can appear in my life whenever they so choose - act as if they don’t think of me as a prick when they’re busy avoiding me and then talk to me like I’m the most caring person in the world.

It’s a problem because of the paradox of thinking of me as my public persona of being an egomaniac, yet, if you genuinely believed that you wouldn’t have the nerve or confidence to walk back in my life after you’ve shit on my name and reputation, knowing I would forgive you. Yes, because heartless egomaniacs give 50 chances to people who do that and don’t even expect an explanation. Heartless egomaniacs make excuses up for your mindless inexcusable behaviour until they look like an idiot.

My part in this is confusing memories versus connections with people that are based on relating. No, not relating on a favourite movie, relating on loyalty - the same things we hate in others. Shit that matters, unlike “friends” forging inauthentic bonds.

My part in this is that I’ve done the same shit talking about these people that they’ve done about me, yet then we pretend nothing is wrong after we stop talking for a year for no reason. Except it was for a reason. We had nothing to talk about. See, the mind lies to itself. We start to think we must be angry at people we see as friends when we have nothing to say to them. Because friendship to us is the babysitters club. So then we resent them for not being in our lives and our love for them is overshadowed by what we perceive as them abandoning us, and it’s selfish. Everything friendship isn’t.

And last but not least - My misunderstanding that being overly generous and forgiving to others will not make them be forgiving and generous with me. Ultimately resulting in disloyalty to myself to keep harmony. Realising that I’m a grown man and I can be the target of irrational hatred and still be fine. That no amount of pretending I understand why wounded egos would lead someone to behave in these ways will make them see I’m a good person. That, if any thing, my open arms made these things okay for them to continue doing.

So now that I’ve typed all this - made every reader roll their eyes - I feel quite content. My brewing anger has settled and now I’m going to sleep and wish on an unlucky star that friends can actually have genuine concern for one another, in place of ego pride and contempt.

foxand-thewolf said: hi there, i was just inquiring as to what you used to build your website and also how you get that film look to your images?thanks in advance, x

Hi Annika! I used Squarespace to build my website and use a various selection of handmade presets that I developed on Adobe Lightroom 4 to gain that film look. Are you enjoying photography?